


Nothing is Innocent Now

by hikaru



Category: Fingersmith - Sarah Waters
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Victorian, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2008, recipient:Lilith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-23 17:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikaru/pseuds/hikaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maud read the words on her paper, and they swam in my head; so many words about limbs and soft sighs and curves and pleasure, and I found her words as beautiful as I found them scandalous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing is Innocent Now

My heart pounded in my chest and I could have sworn that Maud could hear it, every last pound and thud against my ribs. I let her take up my hand, leading me to sit with her before the fireplace. Her hand was warm in mine, warmer than I would ever have imagined. I was afraid and nervous and I found myself grateful for the fact that Maud guided me to the floor with her, as I couldn't help but think that I was close to trembling, to swaying on my feet before her.

'Look,' Maud said, running her hands over the page again. Her hands, so fair, so unused to this world, now smudged with ink, like her brow. Maud's fingertips ran over the letters on the page, and it seemed to me, in my nearly feverish mind, that it was almost as if the letters jumped up to greet her; they knew her and wanted her.

It was, perhaps, the only time in my life that I could say that I understood anything about letters.

'Look,' Maud said again, this time taking my hand back in hers. Somehow, she'd gotten behind me, and I breathed in sharply as she leaned in close to me. I could feel her, warm and solid and real, pressed up against my back. 'See, here,' she began, her breath warm against my ear as she spoke. Maud read the words on her paper, and they swam in my head; so many words about limbs and soft sighs and curves and pleasure, and I found her words as beautiful as I found them scandalous. She covered my hand with her own, and I started, still unused to the feel of her bare hand against mine. Maud guided my fingers atop the words, which she read slowly, her voice barely breaking above a whisper.

The longer she spoke, the more words she read-words, for me, about me-the tighter I found my chest. I fairly trembled under her touch, afraid to even breathe lest I ruin everything. I could listen for hours to her lazily telling me just how badly she wanted me, if only I could remind myself to keep breathing.

Maud neared the end of the page, and I found that I had leaned back against her, eyes closed, head pressed to hers. I breathed shallowly, just focusing on her hand around mine, on her breath coming in short little puffs against my ear.

All these words for how she wanted me, and all I could think was that I was tired of words right then. I had gone through so much to get to Maud, so much. I was so tired. I just wanted her, nothing more.

'Maud,' I said, a little breathlessly. She stopped mid-sentence, and I could hear her intake of breath. Her hand tightened around mine; I'd frightened her, I realized. She thought I meant for her to stop. I did, in a way. 'Maud,' I repeated, getting used to the way her name rolled off my tongue. 'No more words.'

I could feel her question, unspoken, hanging between us, and I knew I needed to show her that I did not wish for her to stop simply because this was not what I wanted. I worked my hand free from Maud's grip and twisted at the waist to face her better.

'Maud,' I said a third time, and I was surprised at how low my voice was, how I could manage to make one word sound so needy. She looked at me rather like a scared animal, and I knew then that she was being honest when she said that she did know nothing of these things. For all the words she read for her uncle-my uncle, and the thought of that still makes me cringe; and I fear it always will-she knew nothing, nothing, of what it truly, truly meant to tremble beneath someone else. Neither did I, really. No girl in the Borough was a saint, exactly, but Mrs Sucksby had kept me so close that I could only pretend to know, truly, until the time I kissed Maud in her bed.

Her lips parted, as if she were going to say something, but I silenced her. I kissed her again, then, and though she went still for just a moment, it seemed now that she began to truly relax. I was not trying to stop her; I was not going to leave her.

I kissed her boldly, her face cupped in my hands. It just kept getting easier, being so near her, feeling her lips slide against mine. Maud's hands clutched at the fabric of my dress, her grasp tight; I thought I should not mind so much if it ripped or tore, not now, maybe not ever again.

Maud whispered my name against my lips, and I pulled back, looking at her carefully. She was shaking, her cheeks were flushed, and all I could think of was just how beautiful she was right then. Should she always look so, I think I would have found it difficult to ever part from her side. Ah, but--I think I will always find it difficult to part from her, now that I have found her, now that we both know the truth.

'Come, Sue,' she said, making to stand up, though she would not let go of the front of my gown. 'We should--' Her eyes darted to the door of the library. I think she wanted to go to her rooms; I think she did not want to be with me beneath the watchful eye of Mr Lilly's many books. I cared not for any such thing, though. I did not want to waste a single moment. I could have lost her. I could have lost Maud forever. I could have lost so much. I was not going to stop until she knew---knew with her whole heart--that for every word she had that told how she wanted me, I had a dozen more.

I shook my head and pressed my index finger to her lips. She kissed my finger, eyes locked on mine. 'Stay,' I said, and she swallowed heavily. 'We will make this room ours,' I whispered hotly, sliding my hands up into her hair. 'We will make every room of Briar ours.' My forehead rested against Maud's, and I could see stray locks of hair tangling together, and I wondered if I would ever know again where I ended and Maud began. 'I don't want Briar, Maud. Only you.' I thought if I should say it enough, that she would believe me. 'Only you, but if we stay here--if we stay, I want it to be ours.'

I kissed her again, then, and I found that I had backed her up enough that she began to recline back, nearly stretching out on the floor. I tugged at my dress, pulling it up enough so that I could lay atop her, still kissing her. I felt her all over, and it thrilled me, her body pressing up against mine, the way her hands settled at my waist, the way her tongue met mine as she gave in utterly to our kiss.

My hands slid lightly down Maud's body and I plucked at the fabric of her dress, wanting to get it off of her, wanting to feel her skin on mine. There wasn't time, though. Not now. We would have all the time in the world, later, but right then, I needed to show her just how I wanted her, just as she had shown me with her words. I felt my whole body start and shudder, I felt my need for her spreading through me like fire. I hiked her skirts up, shifting to rest one knee between her legs. This came natural, so natural to me now, something I had never even given much thought at all to before Maud. Maud's fingers, nimble and utterly perfect, pulled at my own dress, too big by far for me now, and it slipped easily down over my shoulder. I felt her hands everywhere as her touch grew more bold. I rolled my hips down against her thigh and gasped, pausing to rest my forehead against her shoulder. I did it again, and again. It would have been so easy to lose myself in her, in the way her body feels against mine.

'Sue,' she whispered, bringing me back to her. She had worked up the bottom of my print dress, one hand resting at my thigh. I wanted more. More. 'Please,' she said, and I obliged, my own hand going between her legs. Maud tilted her head up and kissed me, and her kiss was sharp, almost demanding. Her lips melted against mine as I touched her, and she felt so good, warm and soft and wet. We were perfectly silent save our breathing, save the soft little sighs and moans that escaped us. Maud's back arched and she pressed down against my hand, her own body starting to match the movements of my own.

I found myself so focused on her, on pleasing her, that I gasped in surprise when I felt Maud's hand work its way between my body and her thigh, when her own fingers slid against me. We moved in tandem, then, and I thought that things could not possibly be more perfect. I felt a heat rise in me, an energy I hadn't felt since that night in Maud's room. It spread throughout my body, tingling and burning, and I thought it would surely kill me, it would surely be too much to bear. I shifted atop her, meaning to press down harder into her hand, when her touch changed, and the fire within me raged stronger than ever before. 'Maud!' I cried out, eyes wide. She started, and I supposed she thought she had hurt me. 'Just there,' I said breathlessly, moving against her in the same way as before. 'Oh, just there.'

It was hard to think, made even harder still by the way that Maud pressed up against me, the way my fingers slid hot and fast against her. I felt her whole body tense beneath mine, and she nearly lifted herself off the floor to press up into my hand. She cried out and said something, then, but I did not hear it for the blood roaring through my own head. I kissed her, then, hard, working through the way I burned for her. I trembled against her touch, and when I was done, when I finally felt as if whatever had taken hold of me had let me go, I fairly collapsed against her, barely managing to keep my weight off of her so as to not press too hardly against her. I withdrew my hand from between her legs, and she did the same. My kiss grew slower, more gentle, as I relaxed against her.

'Maud,' I said, but I did not truly know what to say. I wanted to give her everything I had, but I had nothing; only myself, and she already had me.

Maud said nothing at first, simply smiled enigmatically at me. 'Briar will be ours, then,' she said, reaching up to smooth back my hair. She said nothing else, after, just kept running her hands lightly over my face. Perhaps she had made up her mind, deciding that I could stay. I would want that.

I would stay wherever Maud went. I would not lose her, not again. I wasted too much time hating her, before I knew the truth. I had every intention of making up for all of that time. I had every intention of loving her even harder, because I could not imagine any other sort of life.

  



End file.
